I am his? I am your? I don't know!

As part of my songwriting workshop material, I've written a song evaluation sheet. I think of it as the evaluation sheet from hell. Strictly for use on your own songs, not on the songs of others (if you want to keep friends). I think I should tone it down a bit before I print it off. It's brutal. Unencouraging. I wrote a lyric on the weekend and haven't until now posted it here because it badly failed the evaluation. [I sent it to my tune-man and haven't heard back. Not a good sign.]

I am his

A voice, like thunder in the night
he spoke a word, the darkness turned
the world was brought to life.
He formed us from the ground he made
and when he breathed on me I lived
so I am his

take my hands, my feet to serve
take my lips my every word
oh my maker, my redeemer I am yours
you created me in love
you have bought me with your blood
oh my maker, my redeemer, I am yours.

A ransom placed upon my soul
the price, my saviour's flowing blood
no less would pay the toll.
There is no greater love than this
he gave his life to purchase me
so I am his

A name engraved upon my heart
twice bought, now I belong to him
and can't from him depart.
Each action, every thought I give
each day, each moment lived for him
for I am his

sar 2009

My lyric suffers many inadequacies. There is a clunky turn from 'us' to 'me' in verse 1, cliche images with no tread all the way through, and some confusion about whether God is 'him' or 'you'. Worse still, I've set up a confusing two hook situation - 'I am his' vs 'I am yours'. But most deadly of all is the lack of x-factor. My evaluation sheet tells me this needs a lot more work.