How to make a woman fall in love with you

Last night I watched the bachelorette while colouring in.

Falling in love, it seems, is easy.  The bachelorette was madly in love with no less than three different men in one episode. 

In case any of you guys are struggling to make that special someone fall for you, here are some tips. 

1. Be pretty good looking.
2. Take her to an island resort.
3. Spend most of each day looking into her eyes.
4. Tell her 19,548 times that she is beautiful.
5. Tell her that she is smart.  (This may not be true, but needs to be said.)
6. Kiss her a lot.
7. Tell her that you can see the two of you together for a long long time.  Even forever.
8. Tell her that you are madly in love with her.
9. Tell her that she is the one you want to have a family with.
10. Avoid anything that will remind her of mundane normal life.

Marital Rating Scale - for wives

from here.

I think I fail.

Marital Rating Scale - for husbands

from here.

top 5 dos and don'ts for wives

Ben points us to MD's marriage and men talk in which men are given a real beating. MD also has a marriage and women talk, in which he says some strongish stuff, but nothing compared to what he says to the men.

It's marriage prep season, so Andrew and I are doing quite a bit of thinking about marriage at the moment. If I had to give a talk to wives (ie. myself) and I wanted it to be fairly cutting, these would be my top 5 don'ts for making your marriage better.

Top 5 don'ts for wives

1. Don't be a cold hard b**c*. Look at your husband when he speaks to you. Smile at him. Be warm. Make an effort.

2. Don't be manipulative. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't play nasty games.

3. Don't hide stuff. Hiding something from your husband is a fairly good indication that you've crossed a line and done something wrong. If you don't want him to see the shop receipts or whatever, you probably need to repent*.

4. Don't be critical and naggy. Especially in front of others. It is disrepectful and unattractive.

5. Don't be lazy. Sometimes he'll need to carry you. Sometimes you'll need to carry him. That's okay, but make sure you are pulling your own weight whenever you can.

And here are my top 5 'dos'...

Top 5 dos for wives

1. Assume the best of your husband for as long as you can. Interpret his actions (and inactions), intentions and motives in the best possible light.

2. Make encouraging words your default.

3. Be affectionate and enthusiastic.

4. Have fun together.

5. Act or overlook. If he has a habit or something that irritates you, work out if it's worth speaking to him about. If it is, speak to him about it. If it's not, learn to overlook it.

Note the point that I didn't make. I think that one comes into #1, #2 and #5 of the 'don't' list, and #2, #3 and #4 of the 'do' list.

Pray for him as well.

Do you agree with my lists? What would you add/subtract?

*Hiding birthday and christmas presents is okay.

I've started something

The other day I posted 12 [sharable] things that I like about my husband. I wrote it after I had written a rather polemical comment on Izaac's blog against people raving about their marriages. Truth is, I hate hearing people (preacher's mostly) dropping comments about how fabulous their marriages are. Especially when they are not balanced with details about how they suck as a spouse. It comes across as very thinly veiled boasting.

Even lists about how great our partner's are is moving towards dangerous territory. Hopefully I didn't cross the line. Nathan's still reading, which is a good sign, because he has a sensitive stomach when it comes to personal sharing.

Anyway, others have jumped on board and are writing lists too. Check out Ben's, Amy's, and Soph's. Any others I haven't noticed yet?

12 [sharable] things that I like about my husband

1. That he's a Christian.
2. That he's married to me.
3. That he can do stuff, like build a room under the house and hook up a tv and change a light globe.
4. That he's not the slightest bit controlling.
5. That he is tall.
6. That he is stronger than me, even though I work out and he doesn't.
7. That he needs to shave every day and he does shave every day.
8. That he can beat me in an argument.
9. That he is kind and doesn't put me down ever.
10. That we have fun together.
11. That it's 5.32pm and he's fine with the fact that I've made no plans for dinner.
12. That I'm pretty sure he'd choose me again if he had the choice.

should we defend traditional marriage?

Interesting discussion over here.

My opinion?

I think we should defend one woman, one man, life long, loving and respectful union. I'd leave off the 'traditional' but think we should defend marriage.

Why?

1. We should defend it amongst christians because it's what God wants.

2. We should defend it in the world because solid marriages will help society function better and lead to the next generation of kids being less screwed up. Like other social concerns, I don't think we should throw all our energy behind this cause. The world is going to end anyway and only the gospel will give any real hope. But it is awful watching kids (and grown ups) struggle through family breakdown.

romantic love vs. obsessive/passionate love

Passionate, obsessional love doesn't last. Apparently. Certain books I've read tells me it does, but I guess I should trust the experts. Romantic love can, they say. (From here.)

"I think generally, in the literature, love has been measured as passionate love, so I think that's one reason for this widely-held assumption that love had to fade in relationships," said Bianca Acevedo, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara, who authored the study while she was a graduate student at Stony Brook University. "The obsessive component is generally combined with the romantic component. Thought of that way, it looks like it's diminishing, but if you assess the romantic love differently than the obsessive component, it happens for a greater proportion than what was generally thought."

Romantic love has the same intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry as passionate love has, but without the obsession, Acevedo said. Passionate love, on the other hand, includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety.

responding to a midlife meltdown

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

Not sure about the 'end of suffering stuff' that it goes on to talk about, but this is quite a story. Worth a read.

h/t: craig

better sex apologetic = second best

"Even if our happiness is likely to be increased by keeping sex within marriage, this is the wrong question to ask. A Christian apologetic for marriage is settling for second best if it says to people, “Join us and live our way because you’ll probably be happier that way (and have better sex into the bargain).” They may or may not be happier in the shallow sense of having better sex. They may have no sex at all: Jesus didn’t. Instead, what Christians say to people is, “Learn that the glory and honor of God is far more important than your personal satisfaction and the fulfilment of your longings and desires. And learn to center your life on his glory and purposes so that nothing so fills your heart with joy as seeing his purposes fulfilled. Then you will have the deepest personal satisfaction and joy in the world, as you rejoice in the glory of God.” This is the most radical de-centering of human beings imaginable. But we must do this if we are to make sense of sex. Christopher Ash.

From here. (A continuation of this discussion.)

sex as the new apologetic

Anyone else over this?

Here's how the argument goes:

Many people don't want to become Christians because it would interrupt their sexual activities. Sex is the most important thing in life, so this is unthinkable.

So we argue back: Becoming a Christian will make your sex life even better. Look, Christians are all for sex, God made it, God knows best, he tells us how to have really good sex. See here? We've got a whole book of the bible about it. Song of Songs. Christian erotica. (And guys, it talks about things you only dream about...)

Now, I'm into sex as much as the next person. I enjoy it. I enjoy talking about it. I enjoy writing about it. But.

I think we come at the whole apologetic thing from the wrong direction. Why not help people to see that sex is not the goal of life? Life people's eyes up, away from themselves and towards something bigger. Is the good-sex gospel going to cause us as many problems long term as the much-money gospel?

A few points.

• sex outside marriage is fun because of the adrenaline rush it gives. It's fun because it's dangerous. If people (particularly christian people) are mucking around outside marriage chances are that when they get married sex will be worse. They will need to learn to get a kick out of sex alone, not out of the adrenaline rush.
• Sex can take ages to get good at. Women have to get over their hangups with their bodies, guys need to learn patience and control. They need to trust each other. This is probably going to take years and years. The true-love-waits stuff which promises perfect wedding night sex is going to lead to disappointment. Trouble is, couples (and particularly women) blame themselves for their fumbling and even link it to godliness. 'If I was a better wife I'd be more willing/able to....' Ideas about submission get thrown into the mix and pain and guilt and despair escalates.
• Pressure to have great sex is a passion killer for women. It makes great sex (or any sex) unlikely to happen.
• Have we stopped talking about patience and kindness and joy and self control in marriage? Perhaps these things matter too...
  
• Sex is not for everyone. Apart from being untrue, a good-sex gospel is unkind to singles.
  

Have I overstated? What do you think?

If

If I'd not nodded, smiled, agreed
made eyes and flirted shamelessly,
would you have fallen in a heap
descended into sorrow deep
or would you, shrugging to yourself,
have quickly paired with someone else?

This love we share, is it something rare
or does it grow in fields of plenty?
Was I one in a hundred years
or one in a room of twenty?
Or a room of five, if half were guys
and half too old or young,
If I'd said 'no' had you far to go
to find another one?

I'd like to claim the stars ordained
our love and life together,
but think that chance's random dance
did as well or maybe better.

sar 2009

twilight

I watched twilight tonight. How could I not after reading reviews like this?

I loved it.

As a chic flick it has it all: an impossibly good looking guy who is impossibly attracted to an impossibly good looking girl with whom a relationship is impossible. Add an impossible amount of smoulder - vampire lust as well as regular sexual lust, heroic selflessness, superman-type rescues, great scenery and very nice camera work and you have the perfect movie.

(Why am I writing this? I think I'll go and watch it again.)

A few thoughts.

It's okay for this to be a great movie for girls to watch. It's not necessarily bad just because it's fun and girls get into it. (But it might be.)

The reasons why Twilight sucks us in are legitimate*. It taps into what we really want and what we should want.

• We want a guy who is painfully in love with us. Who loves us so much that he'll deny himself for us and suffer on our account. Of course we want that. We should want that.

• We want to be able to say 'I'm not afraid' and 'I trust you completely' as Bella did. And that's right.
  

• With Bella we long for something more. Another world where the impossible is possible. Now is the time of waiting. We groan with her and we should.

Of course Edward doesn't exist. Mr. Darcy doesn't either. But still we dream of him and our dreams are legitimate. For we are longing for another.

So what of the claim that Twilight is tacky and harmful girl porn?

Maybe the books are tacky - over adjectivised, gushy, sentimental (I don't know, I haven't read them) - but I don't think the movie was. I'm no film critic but I really enjoyed it. Girl porn? Maybe. In the same league as Austen and Bronte and Sea-change. Presents an ideal male for us to lust after, with whom our spouses cannot compete. Harmful? Depends on how you take it and what you do with it. My current thinking is this: Don't deny that you want Edward Cullen. Admit it, but learn to see that lust as an expression for a much deeper longing. And moderation.

I might go watch it again.

* Last year I had a few posts on why Mills and Boon novels work for women. Similar stuff.

"You should do it while we're at school."

Andrew and I were having a kiss and cuddle this afternoon. As often happens, others came to join us. Here's how the conversation went.

Me : Honey, you'd think it'd be possible for us to have a cuddle without others muscling in.
Andrew : You'd think so.
Joel : You should do it while we're at school.

[I guess we've been told! (Andrew thought that was worth sharing!)]

favourite love story

We started Ruth today in our bible study group.

Being a new year and all, a get-to-know-you game was needed. Because Ruth is a love story, our GTKYG was this:

Tell us, what is your all-time favourite love story (book, film, tv, whatever) and why?

I think our answers were fairly revealing.

So, what's your favourite love story?

[guys, don't answer.]

a solution to the odd-arm problem

here.

On rejecting Mr Rochester

Ali's written some personal reflections here, here and here. Good stuff, and not just for the unmarried.

Who do you love more?

In this post (linked to, once again, by Nicole) Tim Challies asks the question: who should we love more - our kids or our spouse? Challies argues that he loves his wife more than he loves his kids, and that this is right. And maybe it is.

I agree that there's a primacy about the husband-wife love. They loved each other before the kids came into the world and it's their continuing love for each other that holds things together and provides a secure home for the children. But. Isn't it silly to compare love for spouse with love for kids as if the loves were the same? Apples and oranges surely. Or at least, oranges and mandarins.

There is an innate love that a mother (at least) feels for her child, a fierce desire to protect, such that she would unthinkingly throw herself under a bus to save him or her. And the death of a child is something that a parent never really gets over. One can (I'm told) come to a point of closure over losing a spouse, but not so a son or daughter. With this in mind it seems unnatural to assert that you love your spouse more than your kids. What is this 'love' that you are speaking of?

A couple more things...

• is the question actually different for men and women? Ephesians 5 tells husbands to love their wives and give up their lives for them. Wives are not specifically asked to love their husbands - but to honour, respect, obey them. Perhaps the father-child relationship is actually more similar to the husband-wife relationship than the mother-child relationship is to the wife-husband relationship. Any thoughts on this?

• In situations of an abusive father, I think it would be quite unhelpful for a wife to have it in her head that she needs to love her husband more than her kids. The safety of the kids should come way before any affection she feels for her husband.

• I'm hesitant to write this one, so I'll put it in a small font so maybe you won't see it... It gets on my nerves that some men (thankfully not the wonderful one I'm married to) use this kind of argument to demand more sex from their overworked and tired wives. Such men need to think about what it actually means for them to love their wives more than they love anything else (work, hobbies, newspapers, tv) and leave it to their wives to do their own thinking...
  

Overall, I do agree with Challies' basic idea. It's good that our kids understand that the primary relationship in the family is between mum and dad, not between mum (or dad) and them. In our home we try to find ways of expressing this, and often our kids don't like it - but we think that in the long run it makes them feel more secure and behave better as well.

Celebrity Wedding

Celebrity Wedding

The start of love will never be a chore
So I will raise my glass, enthusiastic,
Delight in plastic joy and see no flaw
Laugh and smile and stifle thoughts sarcastic.

I give them six months. Maybe only four
And they will wish they'd taken steps less drastic,
By then he'll start to think his wife a bore
And she will find his vows somewhat elastic.

This time next year her feet will grace the door
Begin the search for someone more fantastic,
The start of love will never be a chore
Again I'll raise my glass, enthusiastic.

SAR 2008

What Women Want

Based on my extensive reading of escapist female literate (many Jane Austen and a couple of Mills and Boon) I thought I'd compile a description of Mr Perfect.

Mr. Perfect is:

1. Competent. At work he goes from strength to strength. Mr. Perfect's competency at work often causes him to be wealthy, but his wealth is secondary. We women (apparently) lust after guys who are seriously good at what they do. Whatever that might be. M&B heroes are also extremely competent in other arenas of life.

2. Confident. In his dealings with people and particularly with women, Mr. Perfect is no pushover. He is clearly in control. He is the initiator, the first to express his feelings. He can tell her off if he needs to. He won't be manipulated by her. In M&B this finds expression in an often aggressive sexuality* - which she seems to like! Hmmm.

3. Consumed with passion. His feelings for her are out of his control. He loves her beyond reason. He can't sleep or work properly, so taken is he with her...

4. Fixable. Mr. Perfect has one flaw. He's shy, brash, proud, or unsociable. But this isn't a permanent thing. One kiss from Miss. Right will fix all!

Girls have I captured him? Guys do you live up to this list?

Clearly, a problem with this kind of hero is that he doesn't exist. Andrew (my husband) says it's hard for single women to understand just how incompetent and insecure men really are. Married women know the struggles of their own husbands - Andrew assures me that feelings of incompetence and insecurity are problems for men generally. So that's the first two down. With number three, long term no-one is going to be so madly, passionately in love that they can't function. Hopefully, anyway. With number four, most character flaws are with us long term. By God's grace they can be softened, but we women can't fix our men.

Girls, Mr. Competent, Confident, Passionate and Fixable does not exist! So why do we want him to? (More coming sometime. Throw me a comment in the meantime!)

* Agressive, yet gentle at the same time. Work that one out!