An epiphany

I had an epiphany last night.  Let me tell you about it.

Men have 1,185 chapters of the bible.  Women, it often seems, have about 4.  (If I was to be generous, I could count Esther or Ruth and stretch it to 10.)

In the last few years I have been getting increasingly frustrated with books and articles and talks directed at women.  Last year I wanted to give up going to ministry wives events.  Every time I've heard or read the words 'Biblical Womanhood' I've felt my mind and body shake almost as if I'm angry.  I gear myself up for yet another guilt or boredom inducing re-run through Genesis 2, Titus 2, 1 Timothy 3 or Proverbs 31.

I've been asking myself why I react so strongly to the mere mention of these passages.  Is it because I don't think they are God's word?  No.  Is it because I don't want to hear what God has to say to me?  There may be a little bit of this, but I think it's something else.  Is it because I don't agree with the writer or speaker's interpretation of these passages?  Sometimes, maybe, but it's more than this.  Is it because I'm discontent with my lot as a woman?  No. I have a husband and kids that I love, friends, a great job, a great church, writing hobbies, the gym and you, dear blog reader!  I wouldn't swap my lot with anyone!

So why the extreme reaction to talks and articles on Biblical Womanhood?

Last night I worked it out.

It is because they often seem to be written assuming that the reader isn't already doing the things that they are talking about.  Or at least I read them and feel that I'm being accused of not doing the things that I should be doing.  I know that this is not the author or speaker's intent, yet I am left feeling flat and discouraged (or angry).  When I can't fit anything more into my life, I'm presented with a whole list of stuff that's yet to be done.  The task is overwhelming. I cannot accomplish it, and no-one can, because the things on the list are not the kind of things that can (or should be) ticked off.

A standard list from such a seminar, article or book might look something like this: 
We should be:

• being hospitable
• making meals for people at church
• playing with our kids
• having lots of sex with our husbands
• feeding our families
• helping out in soup kitchens
• re-organising our pantries and getting the house under control
• making family budgets
• helping other mums with their kids
• doing bible study with other women
• being the family CEO from our kitchen-office
• teaching younger women how to sew and cook

Many of these things will never be finished.  If I help out in a soup kitchen one week, there's probably 15 vacant spots with no-one to fill them next week.  While I'm rearranging my pantry, the kids are collaging all the empty boxes to the walls in their bedroom and so I'm no further ahead in getting the house under control.  I play with my kids for half an hour after school and then I feel bad because I don't have the time (or inclination) to play with them for longer.  For every one woman I spend time with at church, there are another ten who I feel I should be investing in.  I had sex with my husband this morning and now...

So I'm left with a choice.  I can:

• Be angry.  Rant about how I hate these talks and seminars and books and articles and sound like raving feminist.
• Take my flat and angry feelings to God in some kind of repentance.  Say I'm sorry for not being what I ought to be.  And then feel like there's still something wrong because I'm repenting of ... I'm not sure what.  Being a human with limitations?  Being a woman who likes to blog and work a couple of days a week? Or?
• Talk myself out of guilty feelings by listing all the ways that I have fulfilled the list.  In the last week I have made more food for others than for my own family.  I have taught the bible in various ways to over 300 children.  I have had many people through my home.  I've kept my house tidy and my children fed....    All this is true but it's a pretty unhelpful exercise.  I like to not notice the things that I do.  I do them because I want to do them, not in order to fulfill some sort of requirement or impress myself!

So what's the answer?

When we were at Moore College, the most encouraging women's fellowship evening was one in which Peter and Christine Jensen spoke to us.  They started off by telling us the ways in which they could see that God was working in our lives, the things about our community that were evidence of the growth of the gospel among us.  Our care for eachother.  How we were gentle in how we spoke.  How we went to church each week, whether we felt like it or not.  Yes, there were things we struggled with, but largely, we needed to quit all the analysis and just get on and do them.

I think it's the same with this kind of stuff.  An occasional 'well done, you are doing okay, keep going' would be heaps more encouraging than books telling me all the things that I need to be doing.  Of course, some people probably do need a kick in the pants, but when I look at my bible study group, the women in it are all doing fantastic jobs of serving their families and our church.  One woman who's youngest child has just started school, looks after another mum's 4 kids one day a week so the mum can go out and do all the jobs she needs to.  Another with a six month old baby manages to do the admin for our Sunday school as well as loads of other jobs.  Another mum who sometimes struggles being at home looking after her own toddler is an endless stream of encouragement to other women in a similar position.  Our bible study group is fantastic, and I suspect it's not all that unusual.

Making women feel guilty is easy.  But guilt is a dreadful motivator.  Encourage us to keep going at the things we are doing well and we will do them more and serve joyfully.

End of rant.