There's a discussion happening over on Jean's blog about stay at home mums using daycare to get a day a week to themselves. I've written a fairly lengthy response (essentially saying that it's a matter of freedom).
One of Jean's readers posed the daycare-as-time-out question saying "There seems to be a general lack of willingness to sacrifice our personal satisfaction in life for the sake of our children. We will give up our career but not all those other things we like doing."
I wonder when it became necessary to sacrifice our personal satisfaction and interests for the sake of our kids. Not sure I ever have. And I'm not sure a martyr-type mother who has given up everything she likes would be much fun to hang out with.
If you're at home with little kids and there's something that you really want to do, find a way to fit it in. Talk to your husband. My guess is that he'll be keen to help you work it out.
Hi, Simone, just letting you know that I have published your comment - I didn't mean not too - it must have slipped through the system somehow yesterday, I'm so sorry!
ReplyDeleteWhat I wrote in that post was unbalanced. Of course there are sacrifices we make for our kids. Sleep (in the early years), freedom to go out whenever you want, etc. But women who don't have kids and work full time sacrifice stuff too - they are tied down from 8-5, 5 days a week! My experience of life at home with the kids was much freer than that! And I enjoyed the blessing of having children!
ReplyDeleteI guess I want to say that all paths of life involved sacrificing something. I thank God for the freedom that I have... I've always been able to fit in an hour or more of reading/writing time a day. And if there's a conference or two a year I really want to go to, we've managed to make plans to allow for it. And the gym is open long hours.
But maybe my interests are just more compatible with kids than other people's. If I was a marathon runner, I'd struggle to find 3 consecutive hours a day for training.
"There seems to be a general lack of willingness to sacrifice our personal satisfaction in life for the sake of our children. We will give up our career but not all those other things we like doing."
ReplyDeleteThis line worries me a bit. I grew up with a mum who sacrified all personal satisfaction for our sakes and she wound up with severe depression (though she is heaps better now and enjoys a really balanced life). Hearing her perspective on this issue as an older, godly woman is very enlightening.
I'm tempted to enter this debate but won't because I feel so so strongly about it - probably because of my experiences growing up - that I will probably wind up saying something thoughtless and ungodly! Plus, having no children yet makes me unqualified really to offer any point of view.
But just wanted to say I think your thoughts are really wise Simone. Thanks for sharing.
onlinesoph - I just added my 2c worth (yet to be accepted by Jean) and I don't have children either.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on the problems with "giving it all up for the sake of the children" mantra - what happens when the children are off your hands - who are you if you've so defined yourself by what you do for your kids? Are you going to find someone else's children to take care of to feel needed? Are you going to harp on at your kids to give you grandkids / repay the sacrifice in some way? It's such a scary concept.
This is what Jean said in a comment over on her blog. Worth reading.
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"I do think love takes sacrifice. Not in a "woe is me" way, but in a self-giving, costly way.
I think that most women's experience, especially when they have babies or as they have more children, is that they will give things up for them. Sleep, rest, relaxation, some hobbies and interests, work, some ministry ... I can think of lots of examples in my own life! Again this shouldn't be with an attitude of self-pity but hopefully of joy - but costly joy! And it will sometimes feel really tough.
Not every woman has the advantage of a husband or even family or friends who will free her up to do these things. Some will, and that's wonderful. But there will still be sacrifices and adjustments to be made. There have been times - long times! - when I haven't been able to do the things I'm passionate about. In one sense there was no sacrifice, as I love my kids, but it didn't always feel this way!"
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How costly it feels to have kids probably depends on all kinds of things - how young you were when you started (is it harder if you're older?), what your interests are, family dynamics, husband's work (if you have a husband), personality type, kids needs...
Might be that I've had it easy!
But I can't imagine ever not making some time to do the things I love to do.
Jean's comment is wise too. I think it's important with these issues to remember every context is different. There are things I would love to be able to do when I stop working and have a family, but I know that it will depend on the kind of family God gives me.
ReplyDeleteI remember hearing someone on one of those morning shows a few years back saying that childcare places should only be allowed to be filled by children of parents who were working, because for them it was a necessity, whereas for the mothers who weren't working it was a luxury. At the time I thought that was a ridiculous idea, because mothers who don't have family around to help out should be allowed to go to the dentist, the hairdresser and the bank by themselves without the children in tow. Besides which, it isn't always (though plenty of times it is) a necessity for mothers to be working. I haven't changed my mind since actually becoming a mother!
ReplyDeleteI also agree that there are many sacrifices to be made in having children, but we don't have to sacrifice everything. Somewhere under the playdough and finger paint I'm still Stuss! I also think there are different sacrifices at different times. I usually get a full night's sleep now, and don't have to change nappies, but I JUST WANT TO play the piano without a small voice coming to ask which one is middle C, and to sew without a small hand pulling on my arm to ask me to come and plaaaay. No doubt in a few months time I'll have different sacrifices to make, and I'll probably complain, but in reality, I really do love staying home.