Friday, February 25, 2011

command my heart (version 2, draft 1)

I wrote a version of this a few years ago. Never went anywhere. Half the lines were bad and it was a dud meter. I've now re-metered it and replaced most of the lines.

It's an adventure in alliteration. Trouble is, the feature sound - C - is very harsh. Not one you'd want repeated too often. There's also lots of Ws and Rs and Ls which aren't particularly desirable either. And the ending is lame.

But anyway, we're aiming to write 20 songs in the next little while in the hope that one is a keeper, so...

Command My Heart

1. Command my heart, oh Lord my God
direct my stubborn will
Catch every restive thought and deed
and call them all to you.

You speak the sky alive with stars 
One word the storm is still
So speak, command me, oh my God
and turn my heart to you.

2. Command my heart, oh Lord my God
Ignite your spirit’s fire
Consume each worthless worldly lust
And capture my desire.

How could I long for any more
Your love can make me new
Command my heart, oh Lord my God
So I will long for you.

3. Command my heart, oh Lord my God
and draw me to your grace
two planks of wood, the arms of love
my rock, my resting place.

My feet unsteady, I will fall
But you are ever true
So hold, command me, oh my God
And turn my heart to you.

sar 2011
at
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11 comments:

  1. KarenFebruary 25, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    I think "worthless worldly lust" would be hard to sing but definitely agree it is an adventure in alliteration.

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  2. simone rFebruary 25, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    worthless worldly wants?

    i know. That line has to go.

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  3. JonFebruary 25, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    I'm a sucker for songs that express vulnerability and weakness, much more than triumphalist ones. I can hear it sung before/after confession or associated with prayer time - slow and peaceful.

    It's clearly work in progress.

    Cliche alert lines 2, 10, 14, 20. 22?

    You changed rhyme scheme after verse 1.

    What's with the "two planks of wood"?

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  4. KarenFebruary 25, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    "Two planks of wood" = the Cross?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anthony DouglasFebruary 25, 2011 at 9:56 PM

    I like the goal of the song, very much. Sure, it's a draft, but one worth going on with.

    You could always go with worthless earthly lusts if you want to avoid alliteration and go for a different poetic device!

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  6. Alistair BainFebruary 25, 2011 at 10:40 PM

    I like it a lot. It'll sing.

    But I like rhyme too.

    lines 2 and 4?
    6 and 8?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Chris LFebruary 26, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    definitely worth pursuing.
    The command language is great.

    suggestions.

    substitute 'incline' for 'and turn x2'
    less simple word but might work.

    how about the idea in 2L3 gets mocked a bit.

    'Consume each feeble worldly want.'
    Obviously they don't present to us as feeble at the time but with time and spirit's help there's hope. fire Vs feeble works as well?

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  8. JonFebruary 26, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. JonFebruary 26, 2011 at 3:38 PM

    "Two planks of wood" - AHA! Thanks Karen.

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  10. simone rFebruary 26, 2011 at 9:27 PM

    Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them and mostly agree.

    I'll do a rewrite after I've got a melody.

    ReplyDelete
  11. NarelleMarch 4, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    This has a nice hymn feel. You can sing it to the same tune we sing "Our God our help in Ages Past." (My hymnbook says the tune is St Anne.) If you write a new tune, the added bonus is that a number of hymn words will also work with your tune. A number of Emily Dickinson's poems also have this rhythm/meter - it's obviously one which works well.

    ReplyDelete

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