come holy god: evolution of a song part 3

[continued from a couple of posts below]

This verse has been bugging me all day. I'm torn between wanting some response stuff in there and not wanting to move to move too far away from my opening thoughts. Here's where I'm at now:

all burdens gone! my guilt he bore
sin's shadow haunts my soul no more!
Like gold refined, my conscience pure
and I will rest in him forevermore
and I will rest in him forevermore

I like the b-g, g-b in the first line, but I think the word 'bore' is ugly. 'Burdens' is too. Maybe it's the letter 'b' that's unattractive. I like the second line. In the third line I'm trying to link in with the image in the first verse. Not sure how well. The final line feels like a filler - but it wasn't intended to be.

Three verses is pretty short for this metre. Perhaps the addition of some sort of simple chorus/b section would help? Maybe the response stuff could be in there? Something like...

'come holy god' - draft 3

come holy god and cleanse my soul
touch lips and heart with burning coals
your altar's fire can purify
this wretched sinner who for mercy cries
this wretched sinner who for mercy cries.

a crown of thorns, a body bruised
his outstretched arms embrace the world
my sin and yours within his sight
by grace this wrong will make all others right
by grace this wrong will make all others right

thank you jesus
yeah yeah yeah
thank you jesus

all burdens gone! my guilt he bore
sin's shadow haunts my soul no more!
like gold refined, my conscience pure
and I will rest in him forevermore
and I will rest in him forevermore

thank you jesus
yeah yeah yeah
thank you jesus

sar 2008