come holy god: evolution of a song part 2

[continued from post below]

Thanks for putting up with these posts. Next week I'm running a lyric writing workshop at twist. I think I'm going to use this song as an example of editing.

I showed the first draft of my lyric 'come holy god' to Andrew last night. He didn't like it. He had a few side criticisms like those I listed below, but his main issue was that it sounds like one of the very forgettable hymns in our 'Rejoice' church hymn books. You know the type? Unoffensive, unmoving. The sort you hope you never sing. I think he's right. It all feels kind of arms length. So, in view of all the blog-world I thought I'd do a re-write.

Not ready to give up the metre yet.

I think I can happily discard the first and last verses. So that leaves me with four lines:

come holy god, and cleanse our souls
touch lips and hearts with burning coals
your altar's fire can purify
the blackest sinner who for mercy cries

I'd like to make it cut a little more. Might change the us/our to me/my and personalise the last line. How's this?

come holy god and cleanse my soul
touch lips and heart with burning coals
your altar's fire can purify
this wretched sinner who for mercy cries

'Wretched' may be a bit old fashioned. Not sure. Leave it for a while and see. I think I need to draw a stronger line between our purification and Jesus' death than I did yesterday. How about an explicit cross verse?

A crown of thorns, a body bruised
His outstretched arms embrace the world
My sin and yours within his sight
By grace this wrong will make all others right

I like the half rhyme between 'bruised' and 'world'. A full rhyme at this point would be too ... rhymey. I'm not sure if it sounds a bit universalist. When I've finished I'll need to look at the lyric as a whole to see if comes across that way. Not sure about the last line. Is it clear enough?

Two verses so far. Maybe two more? I'd like at least one of them to be about our response. Will think about it tonight. (I have other work that I have to do, so I expect to be brimming over with ideas for this!) Also thinking a repeated last line may work.

'come holy god' - draft 2

come holy god and cleanse my soul
touch lips and heart with burning coals
your altar's fire can purify
this wretched sinner who for mercy cries
this wretched sinner who for mercy cries.

A crown of thorns, a body bruised
His outstretched arms embrace the world
My sin and yours within his sight
By grace this wrong will make all others right
By grace this wrong will make all others right

[incomplete]

sar 2008