Just about every 35-45 year old woman that I've had a significant conversation with this year seems to have talked about loneliness and the apparent impossibility of finding a good friend. I've felt these things myself too, and have been reflecting on them. Why is this stage of life so isolating for so many?
Andrew and I chatted last night. Here's what we came up with.
When you are in your twenties, you are fun to be around. You have energy, you are still idealistic, you've not stuffed up too badly yet, you don't have that many responsibilities at work or at home (compared to what's coming!), your kids are still cute (if you have them, if you don't there is still hope that you will sometime), and your personality ticks can be largely ignored. Furthermore, friendship groups are still fluid and people are 'shopping' for friends.
By the time you've moved to your mid thirties, friendship groups appear to be settled. They aren't really - within apparent friendship groups there is heaps of dissatisfaction and loneliness - but admitting someone else of that age takes patience and a welcoming heart and long term effort. Because life is complicated and busy.
People are no longer single units but a package deal. They come with a spouse (who you may not like) and children (that your kids may not like). They are not carefree. There are significant work and family responsibilities. Time is valuable. Issues which may have been emerging earlier are now full blown and painful. Infertility. Health problems. Sin that could previously be overlooked has now bloomed in full flower. Personality ticks are no longer disguised by the attraction of youth. Anxiety has become debilitating because there are actually things to worry over.
Because of the difficulties of friendships, in this stage of life people realise that when it comes down to it, family is the primary thing. But, as a friend put it, the late thirties and forties can be 'the bottom of the U' for a marriage. So we despair.
Have I painted it too black? Probably.
But what's the solution? Cultivating friendships with younger people?
No. Overlooking faults where possible, working on sin in yourself, and putting in effort.
I think this is spot on. Good chatting you two.
ReplyDeleteSome good points here but I have to say this is definitely not just for the late 30s... Unless I really am 26 going on 36.
ReplyDeleteAnd running a household/family/workplace can be just as full on in your 20s as 30s, depending on where your life is up to.
Just sayin'
I think I must be in a different spot? Does being a missionary exempt you from this? Perhaps I've had to deal with a more extreme loneliness from an earlier age?
ReplyDeleteHi Amy. I'm not saying that life isn't mad busy in your twenties. But there's a heaviness to the busy that normally comes later. Of course, some will experience this in their twenties.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, that means you'll finish it earlier as well!
But I could be wrong about all of this. What may change as you get older is the willingness to talk with others about loneliness.
Wendy - Extreme loneliness is usually the cost of missionary service, isn't it? Otherwise it would just be an overseas holiday. Thankful that you were willing to pay the price.
The cost is not much really - not compared to many in the world who risk losing their lives, husbands, children etc. just for believing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post.
ReplyDeleteIt's different for different people.
Read a couple of hundred eulogies. Some people live what were satisfying lives, but have a handful of friends and the scope of their activities barely covers a page.
Others have scores of friends and a range and more involvements that can be recounted.
Each are described as happy, loving people.
I think that some people grow more aware of relationship as busyness and activity abate in their lives. There are certain seasons when our levels of activity diminish or transition, either due to external factors (like family growing up) or internal factors (illness or old age).
Relationships usually come to the fore at those times.
Also, watching people unable to connect into relationship in a church community despite effort by everyone is heart breaking.
Gary.
Here's a couple of reflections I have:
ReplyDelete1. It's more a 'season of life' based issue rather than age based (which is kind of indicated by your large 35-45 age bracket). Having started a family a lot younger than the average means that in my circle of friends/acquaintances I have already started to encounter this issue. And having moved countries and had to start the whole 'friend making process' from scratch, has highlighted some of the issues you mention.
2. Some of the problem is because of the lack of value/low priority that society makes of relationships/friendships - maybe not a direct decision, but as a result of how they choose to use their time. Using your time to further your career, fulfill your dreams, earn enough money to pay for your consumerist lifestyle are given higher priority than investing time in relationships (both marital and friendships).
A good post, and I agree with most of what you said.
ReplyDeleteI do resonate with Amy's comment though- your post did paint the 20's and even up to when the kids are still young as being pretty smooth sailing and carefree.
I think it's one of those things of life, that no matter what life-stage you're in, it doesnt really seem that easy at the time. For example, now that I have 2 little kids, and life seems on the verge of unmanageable, I think back to when it was just my wife and I, I think, 'boy, life was so easy then! So much sleep, and all this time to do what we wanted'. But I know for a fact that back in those days, life certainly didn't FEEL very easy to me, I still had plenty of worries and stresses and sadnesses. Just different ones.
Yeah. Sorry guys. It is patronising to make out that pre-35 life is easy. (I'm not actually 35 yet btw!)
ReplyDeleteThe stage of my life so far when life was the most physically difficult was in my twenties when I had 2 little kids and another on the way (I started early). That kind of exhaustion is pretty hard to take. Day to day life is heaps easier now, but inner battles are not.
I suspect that inner battles can come at any time. As well as, I suspect, loneliness.
ReplyDeleteYep. I've had loneliness as most ages - from teenager-hood through uni and 20s too. I probably feel the least lonely I've felt for some time now in my mid 30s. A stage of life thing, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI also think we get stuck in ruts - relying on the friendships we have and not reaching out to others, not even pushing the boundaries of relationships we already have.
Children can also suck the life out of you! Stuck at home with young children for year after year (I know this isn't true for all) can mean you lose confidence in making and keeping deep friendships. Friendships become shallow because children's needs always interrupt and limit our time to put into relationships, unless we try hard. And that is something that introverts find it hard to prioritise. Extroverts, of course, find themselves driven to do it.
Hmm, I rant. Time to go and indulge in a good book and a long night in my own bed!!!
My own experience is one of feelings of social isolation at all ages. However, some things I have been pondering recently about friendship making are:
ReplyDeleteMost of my friends are ones whom I have had from uni days or ones to whom I have been introduced by this group. These are people with whom I made friends because I saw them every day at uni and we had activities in board common (love of card and board games). Some uni friends (like your good self) are ones whom I saw less often but we had a spiritual connection.
Moving makes it harder to make and retain friends as it requires more effort and time to get past the initial 'is it worth getting to know you if one of us is going to move soon barriers' and to keep in contact when someone moves (thank you makers of facebook). I have moved a lot.
When we moved to Mackay I prayed that God would give me a good friend - one with whom I'd have a spiritual connection and could have heart-to-heart chats with. Well, He gave me more than one. But it took a year or two to develop those friendships to that point and then we moved again relatively soon after developing those connections - we spent 3 years in Mackay.
Because of past social isolation issues, I have a lifetrap telling me that no-one really will want to be friends with me; there's no point asking people in my new neighbourhood over for afternoon tea - no-one in the old neighbourhoods took me up on the offer - the people here will be the same.... Consequence? I don't know the names of my immediate neighbours.
I'm 36 and have no children. That means that I don't have a natural 'in' with the parents of school-aged children in my area. My old set of Brisbane area friends either work during the day or live a fair distance away from where I now do.
I'm currently unemployed and have gone stir-crazy with just my own company for the past 6 months (minus the school breaks when Ian has been home during the day). I am so happy to be starting a job next week, even though it means commute driving, is short-term and is full-time (I'd prefer part-time) simply because it means I'll have people to talk to during the day.