I went to a ministry wives day on Friday. The speaker had many good things to say and it was helpful. (This post is not a critique of Friday's event.)
I have been to many ministry wives training days. Often, I don't want to go, fearing that I'll just hear the same old stuff again. Many of my friends come away feeling intimidated or depressed at how badly they're doing.
Just in case anyone who looks at this blog are asked to speak at such an event, here are a few points to remember:
1. We're easy targets.
Many of us have very tender consciences and you are speaking to us at the points at which we're most vulnerable - our marriages and our christian service. It really matters to us that we serve our husbands and God's people well - that's why we're in the positions we're in! So be gentle in rebuking us. It really hurts!
2. Our husband's ministries are very different.
There are different challenges in being the wife of a senior minister, an assistant minister, a campus worker, a college lecturer, and a missionary. Don't assume that everyone faces the same challenges as a pastor's wife. In some ways, it is easiest to be a church wife. Many of the others have undefined and invisible roles and the tricky job of supporting their husbands from afar.
3. Our families are very different
What one husband needs from his wife can be quite different from what another needs. Some families are higher maintenance than others. Some wives do it tougher than others.
4. The bedroom is only a very rough barometer of the health of the relationship.
Dissatisfaction in this sector does not necessarily indicate that there is trouble in other areas of the marriage. (Really, who feels like it 3 hours after giving birth?) If you tell us it does, some of us will feel needlessly guilty.
5. A well known church planter from Seattle has observed that minister's wives commit adultery even more often than ministers do. We need to be talking about this.
6. Even if we fail in everything, God still loves us and tomorrow is a new day of grace. Tell us over and over again about God's forgiveness. We so easily forget!
Simone, I think this is great advice - and true for those of us who are not ministry wives as well! Making women feel guilty is like shooting fish in a barrel - and half the time the things we feel guilty about are not sins at all, but failures to live up to a set of quite worldly standards of what women should be and do. To be an adult woman and not feel guilty is quite a rare thing in our culture!
ReplyDeleteOf course we need to be transformed, but such transformation comes from understanding and being secure in our identity in Christ - which comes from a deep conviction of the gospel of grace.