Protocol for responding to a facebook unfriending

So’ve you been unfriended on facebook. It’s tough, I know, but it happens to all of us sometime. Right now you might feel bowled over by the grief of losing a friend. You don’t know what to do.

Don’t worry. To help you through this time, I’ve put together a general protocol for what to do in the event of an unexpected unfriending. Work through the steps at your own pace and I promise that you’ll be feeling better by the end of the process.

1. Feel the shock. You didn’t expect this. How could it have happened? You and Penelope were like... facebook sisters! You don’t know how to take the news but let yourself feel the shock. When the numbness wears off, move to step 2.
2. Try denial. It must be a mistake. Penelope’s account must be faulty. Maybe she’s switched off facebook all together to stop that guy from stalking her. She’d never unfriend you! After you’ve made all the excuses you can think of, move to step 3.
3. Get angry. Stamp you feet. Kick the walls. Swear. “F*&$^* Penelope! What a#$%$%! How dare she do this to me!” When you calm down, move on to step 4.
4. Make a deal with the faceverse. When you are calm again, try bargaining. “Dear faceverse. If Penelope refriends me I promise that I’ll never ever tag her in pictures of ugly animals again. I also promise that I’ll take down that picture of her dribbling in her sleep. Please mighty faceverse, let Penelope refriend me!” When you’ve made your bargains you are ready for step 5.
5. Blame yourself for the unfriending. Feel guilty over everything that you’ve thought, said and done online and in real life ever. Admit that the unfriending is your fault. Only bad people get unfriended. You got unfriended, therefore you are a bad person. Accept this and then move to step 6.
6. Realise that life now offers you nothing. Penelope is the first who unfriended you. Everyone else will soon follow. Life will be empty from here on. Get used to it. Mope. Wallow in your misery for as long as you feel it necessary. When you find yourself smiling again, move to step 7.
7. Get over it and move on. It may take you years to reach this final step, but believe me, you will get there. You will realise that Penelope is only one of your 2000 facebook friends and that her virtual friendship is something you can live without. Penelope’s rejection of your fb friendship does not mean that you are (necessarily) a bad person. It isn’t (necessarily) the beginning of a major unfriending trend. Life can go on. Smile, make some new facebook friends, cull some unnecessary people yourself, then post a picture of your breakfast.